


Dare I Say

by norwegian_galaxies



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Based on an Alexander Rybak song, Blood, Kalmar Union, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Norway keeps rejecting Den, Rejection, Reminiscing, Somebody give Den a hug, Stockholm Bloodbath, Unrequited Love, dare i say
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-04 19:17:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15847662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norwegian_galaxies/pseuds/norwegian_galaxies
Summary: Lukas doesn't know that I still love him. But he definitely doesn't love me back like he had in the past. And he doesn't know how much I think about him, or how big of a deal I make out of the smallest of conversations, just the slightest of brushes of his skin against mine. He doesn't see me blush, he doesn't see me falter. But then, nobody's good at detecting those things when they hardly even look at you.--This is a songfic based off of songs by Alexander Rybak.Matthias still loves Lukas after years and years. Unfortunately, Lukas can't love him back.





	1. Dare I Say

  
{Far from the place  
Where I'm writing this song  
There is a girl  
To whom my heart belongs}

I don't know many things that are true.

For most of my life, I've heard lies and lived lies. I thought they said we'd be together forever. But as I just said, for most of my life, I've lived lies...

...that was a lie, too.

The five of us split up, went our own separate ways. It wasn't my fault. It was _his_ fault. _Berwald's_ fault. I just wanted us to stay together, but _he_ rebelled. _He_ forced my hand. _He's_ I slaughtered all those people all those years ago.

That's why they all hate me.

Occasionally, the five of us drift together and become friends again. But it's not like before. Something has changed.

But if there's one thing that I know is true, it's that I'm absolutely in love with Lukas Bondevik. He'd been by my side nearly my whole life.

Note that I said he _had_ been. He's certainly not anymore. Once again, it was not my fault. It was Berwald's. He forced my hand. He took Lukas away from me.

But nevertheless, I still love Lukas with all my heart. He's the reason I still breathe. Without him, I would've been dead long ago, my nation dissolved.

{She doesn't know  
That I'm thinking of her  
But again  
That's not the point}

He doesn't know I love him, now--or at least, I don't think so. However, he did know once, back when the five of us--him, Berwald, Tino, Emil, and I--were together, when we all loved each other, when Berwald and I were always kind of trying to win over Lukas' affection. We were blithering idiots. That's what he called us. We probably looked like it, too. But in the end, it was always me. I remember that one night that it was just him and I, together, and we were sitting in front of a fire, and I asked him if he loved me.

He told me he did, and my heart nearly stopped.

At that moment, I wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to _touch_ him...but he just sat there, staring blankly at the flames flickering in the hearth.

Lukas doesn't know that I still love him. But he definitely doesn't love me back like he had in the past. And he doesn't know how much I think about him, or how big of a deal I make out of the smallest of conversations, just the slightest of brushes of his skin against mine. He doesn't see me blush, he doesn't see me falter. But then, nobody's good at detecting those things when they hardly even look at you.

Lukas doesn't hate me. He told me so when I asked him once. He added, though, that he still wasn't happy with me for what I did to Berwald and Tino. He told me that I'm an idiot and should never try something like that again.

{She makes me glad  
Just by being all right  
Though I would wish  
That just for one night  
She would come back  
And again we'd be friends  
Like those times  
When love never ends}

I want to be able to be with Lukas again.

Granted, I want all five of us to be together again. But Lukas made me promise I would never do that, ever. I don't want to create any more lies in this world, so I guess I have to keep my promise.

Though I am glad to know that Lukas is well, now. His country is prospering, and is one of the richest nations in the world. The people there are healthy and athletic. So is he. He's a lot healthier than he was when we were younger.

But I do wish, occasionally-- _okay_ , _all the time_ \--that I could just turn back the clock and have everything the way it was: with the Kalmar Union, with everyone together as one big, happy family. With Lukas in love with me, wanting to stay by my side forever. Preferring me over Berwald. Or perhaps I could be able to transport into an alternate universe or timeline in which Lukas still loved me despite all the things that went wrong, despite all the things that had driven him away from me.

Of course, that's impossible.

{Watching your picture  
I feel I'm with you}

When Lukas isn't around, which is quite often nowadays, compared to how it used to be, I look at the pictures of him that Berwald and Tino have occasionally sent me, or ones that I've taken when all of us come together.

There's pictures of Lukas riding horses, skiing, drinking coffee, buttering toast, choking me with my tie, nagging Emil and trying to make him call him "Big Brother"...but no pictures of Lukas smiling. Definitely none of him smiling at me. Really the only things that are happening in the photos of us two is him choking me with a tie, him pulling me out of a bar because I'm drunk, or him and I just having conversations, usually short ones that I initiate and that he just stops replying to after a while.

Though, I guess just the pictures and memories of him are okay.

He's so beautiful, with his silvery blonde hair, pale-as-the-moon skin, and eyes glittering indigo like the night sky.

{And your hand is flirting with mine}

It's those nights that I remember when I would sleep with him in his bed, because of nightmares, and he would entwine his fingers with mine and squeeze, holding me close. I always felt safer then, more complete.

{Maybe it's pointless  
But what can I do?  
Knowing you're one of a kind}

I know reminiscing isn't going to bring Lukas back to me.

At this point, I don't think anything will.

I know it, and yet, I can't stop the memories from flowing; those tender touches we sometimes shared, the fierce hugs we would occasionally give each other...it was all so amazing, and I can't help but wonder what happened, and wonder if Lukas misses those things, too.

But, he probably doesn't.

They probably meant nothing to him, even back then.

{Honestly  
I know I'll be fine}

Maybe someday I'll feel fine, and the memories I've loved and cherished about Lukas for years won't matter so much to me. Maybe I'll start loving someone else. After all, I have hundreds and hundreds of years to live. That's always an option.

{But dare I say  
You are amazing in every way  
And would you mind  
If we woke up with each other each day?}

Though I can't help but think no. I could never love anyone as much as I love Lukas. I've loved him pretty much as long as I've known of him and his country.

What would happen if I asked Lukas if he loved me, again? Would he reply like he had, years ago? Would he say, _"Jeg elsker deg?"_

What would happen then, would we live together? Would we have a family? Would we stay together, a powerful, unbreakable union, forever?

{But then I remember that I'm just a guy}

Once again I interrupt myself.

 _No_ , Lukas doesn't love me.

He told me he didn't, years back, and even though it was years and years ago, I _still_ believe that he doesn't. He still calls me an idiot. He still calls me annoying. He still calls me stupid. Is that what someone calls you when they love you?

No.

{And still I keep dreaming of you  
'Cause that's all I can do}

At night, I dream about him, even though I tell myself not to.

{You said you loved him  
The last time we met  
Please tell your boyfriend  
That I'm not afraid  
I know the difference  
Between right and wrong  
But again  
That's not the point}

Besides, he loves someone else now. His heart only has enough space for his brother and one more person.

For some reason, he chose _Berwald_.

He chose that _Swedish wretch_ over me. The one that basically wrote his own people's suicide notes. The one who put me and the union in danger, the one who made it unstable. The one who is in love with _Tino_ , too.

I don't know why or how Berwald is so much better than me. He doesn't even show his emotions, he can't talk correctly, and he's always glaring around at everyone. Granted, Lukas glares around, too, but his glaring isn't as terrifying as Berwald's.

Is it because I hurt Berwald? Is Lukas just pitying Berwald because Tino doesn't love him? I don't understand.

Sometimes, Lukas' attraction to Berwald gets me so confused and worried and scared that I completely blank out and start crying. Tino calls it a panic attack. He says that I'm worried of losing Lukas. Which of course I am. I love him.

{Sometimes I sleep  
With a smile on my face  
'Cause dreaming of you  
Makes me glad  
And then I wake up  
While I'm still in my dream  
The sweet kiss  
That we never had}

The dreams I have about Lukas are always good.

They're always in a world where he doesn't love Berwald, in a world where Berwald doesn't even exist. In the perfect world, Lukas loves me and his brother only, and we all three live together; me, him, and Emil. Lukas and I sleep together in the dreams, cuddling and holding hands and going on dates. In the dreams that I have on the nights my room is cold, we're snuggled up together by a fire in blankets, drinking hot chocolate. Our lips sometimes brush, and his kisses are like heaven. He tastes sweet, like buttercream, coffee, and peppermint, every time.

And it feels so real, sometimes I wake up believing that Lukas is really there, and it's only until minutes later that I realize it was all a dream; that Lukas and I never kissed, that we were never living together, that he still loved Berwald and still thought I was stupid.

{Honestly  
How foolish is that?}

I feel stupid every time, calling myself a fool and an idiot for hours afterward, trying to resist remembering those dreams.

{But dare I say  
You are amazing in every way  
And would you mind  
If we woke up with each other each day?}

I still remember the dreams, nevertheless, because the dreams are what keeps me going nowadays, my source of happiness if Lukas cannot be.

Just today, after a World Conference, I caught up to Lukas. He was walking somewhat fast, and I knew it was because of his long legs and because he was going to hang out with his magic friends afterwards. But my mind kept telling me that it was because he was trying to avoid me and trying to catch up with Berwald, who walks even faster than him, which may have also been true.

I grabbed his shoulder. "Hey, Norge!" I called out to him, and he whipped around and scolded me for yelling in his ear. I apologized, then told him I wanted to ask him something.

"What is it, Dane?" He asked, impatiently, tapping his foot. "I have places I need to be, none of which concern anything having to do with you."

{But then I remember that I'm just a guy  
And still I keep dreaming of you  
'Cause that's all I can do}

I couldn't say anything. My smile dropped. His response felt like a slap in the face, a knife in my back.

He was still glaring at me, waiting for a response.

I forced a shaky smile at him. "U-um..."

"Yes?"

"N-never mind," I stuttered, letting go of his shoulder, blushing, embarrassed.

He nodded. "I thought so." Then, he walked away, carrying my heart with him.

I felt so much...well, I'm not sure what it was, but... _emotion_ bubbling up inside me.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't think.

And then, I began to cry, covering my face, running out of the meeting building and into my car, slamming my head on the dashboard and crying, crying, crying.

Why the Hell had _that_ hurt me so much? It shouldn't have. Lukas always said stuff like that. So...why did that hurt me _so much?!_

I heard the car door opening and I felt someone touch my shoulder. The hand was cool, small, soft.

I didn't lift my head.

{Dare I say?  
Ooh...  
Would you mind?}

"Dane..."

It was Lukas' voice.

Soft and kind and worried...for _me_ , _just me_ , for the first time in years. He sounded like he cared, despite his heartless comments only moments before.

"Nor..." I raised my head slowly and looked up at him, my heart still pounding, tears still running down my face, lips trembling.

Lukas cupped my face in his hand. "Are you all right?" He asked me, quietly, brushing a few strands of hair away from my face before pulling out a handkerchief and drying my tears.

I shook my head, because I was not all right. I was a complete mess.

He took my hand gently in his and pulled me out of the front seat, sitting next to me in the backseat, instead. "What's the matter?"

My voice shook, but I managed to whisper his name again. "L-Lukas..." I reached out and pulled him closer, into an embrace. He rubbed my back soothingly with his soft hands.

{But dare I say  
You are amazing in every way  
And would you mind  
If we woke up with each other each day?}

Before I knew it, I had kissed him, holding his face in my hands.

He kissed me back, and I felt my heart nearly explode. This had only ever happened in my dreams. He did taste like buttercream and coffee and peppermint. It was as amazing as I had always dreamed it would be.

{But then I remember that I'm just a guy...}

Lukas pushed me away. He looked so confused, and kind of... _hurt_. "Matthias, _why_?" He asked, his indigo eyes wide.

I felt guilty, ashamed.

_Lukas doesn't want me. I shouldn't have done that._

_He doesn't belong to me, and he never will._

Here it goes.

"I-I still love you, Lukas."

Shock passed over his face, then sadness.

"Matthias, is that what this was all about?" He asked, slowly, quietly.

I nodded.

He shook his head, smiling sadly. "I'm sorry, Matthias."

"W-why?" I asked, though I already knew the answer. I only feared it.

"I'm afraid..."

"You're afraid?"

"I'm afraid...I can't love you back."

And that's when I felt my mind go completely numb, and everything faded to black.

 


	2. Return

{It's almost night, I should be sleeping.  
But the moon's so bright, as if it's praying with me.}

Staring at the ceiling, a headache throbs in my head. My stomach grumbles loudly. My eyelids feel heavy, but they refuse to close.

My mind is too awake to shut down and go to sleep, no matter how badly my body wants to. I blink wearily and watch as the numbers on the digital clock next to my bed flick to show new times. Of course, it all seems the same to me. Being a nation, time seems to pass quicker for me than it does to humans. It's both a good thing, and a bad thing.

Nevertheless, it feels like it's been lifetimes since I've seen Denmark. And although I wouldn't ever say it to his face, I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone before.

The last time I had seen him was two weeks ago; after a world meeting, he'd been crying in his car about something for other, and I came in to comfort him, and he kissed me and hugged me and confessed his love for me.

In shock, I'd pushed him away--I feel bad about that, now, though. I shouldn't have.

{Round and round, I walk in circles aimlessly.  
Where could you be?}

Since then, nobody has seen my dear friend. I'm worried about him. Usually, he would be able to cheer up by now.

I've been looking for him everywhere, but it seems he's just...disappeared.

And that's worrying.

I remember when, years ago, he had disappeared, but in a different way--he'd done things that weren't normal for him. His morals and his charming personality had disappeared, leaving behind a power-hungry monster. And I hadn't been able to stop him.

But this time is worse, because it wasn't just his morals that had disappeared. It was all of him; all of it was gone. And it was all my fault it had happened.

{The purple skies were so inviting  
When we used to fly.}

And so, after a few more weeks of looking for Denmark, nobody found him.

I went home and tried to forget. But trying to forget just kept bringing back even more memories, of those times before Kalmar when it was just Denmark and I. When it was just him being an idiot and me chastising him. When he had first told me he loved me after Sweden had left.

That was the happiest moment of my life. I remembered being with him for years after that. He was so adorably stupid and naïve back then.

Scratch that, we both were.

Those occasional drunken one night stands (that happened over and over so they couldn't really be considered 'one night stands') turned into us sharing a bedroom full time.

I remember doing a lot of fun things with him back then. Sometimes, we held prank wars, whether it be with or against each other. I always won.

I remember recently, too, when Denmark held a video game tournament at his house, for some "Nordic 5 Bonding". I won all the games, too, and Denmark was so awed by that that he looked like a little kid looking at a toy they had won at the carnival. He'd picked me up and carried me around on his shoulders around the house, and from my perch on his shoulders I could look around and see how many pictures of me were on the walls. Compared to how many he had of himself, there were more of me.

{But the excitement slowly fades away.}

I wish it could be like it was back then, before Kalmar, again. Actually, I wish the Union hadn't even happened--Denmark and I would probably still be together, and I wouldn't have pushed him away.

I told him I couldn't love him. That was true. I didn't want to let myself fall in love with him again. I didn't want to fall for his charms and get even more hurt if he decided to pull that same stunt he had years ago.

But a large part of me actually knew that Denmark would never do that again, because if I know my best friend, I know that he always learned from his mistakes.

And that's why, even though I shouldn't, I still do love him.

{Feels like there's nothing I wanna do.  
Not without you.}

At this, I begin to cry. I want to tell him that I love him, I really do. I don't want the last thing I've said to him...I don't want it to be that I can't love him. He needs to know that I do.

He needs to know that I miss him. He needs to know that I could never be happy in a world without him.

Even though he's made mistakes, I still love him.

{And I will cry you a thousand tears  
The day you will return.}

I know that the next time I see him might be never. After all, why would he want to waste his time on me anymore? I didn't want him. I'd, unfortunately, made that clear.

Or maybe I will see him again, but he won't be the same Dane that I love now. Maybe he'd be more reserved. Maybe he'd listen to all those things I used to say; that he was stupid, and an idiot, and too childish for anyone to take seriously. And even though I've called Denmark that for years, I had never realized how much it actually hurt him, even though he just brushed it off like it was nothing. Now that he's gone, I understand that what I was doing was awful and it really, really hurt him.

If and when he comes back, I know I'll be crying harder than I am now. But not just with sadness and guilt, but with relief. Sure, he may hate me when he returns. Even if he does, just knowing that he's okay...that would be the best gift anyone could ever give me.

{Tonight I swear, I'll stay right here  
Until you will return.}

I curl up in bed and tears continue to run down my face, dripping onto the white sheets.

The LEGO figure clock on the nightstand continues to flick through times. Yet I still pay the time no mind. Slowly I run out of tears until I just lay there, staring at the generic face of the LEGO figure.

His smile is painted on, just like Denmark's has been for the past few years.

Denmark hasn't been in this room for weeks, but it still feels like he's here. It still smells like him here. There's still pictures of me all over his room.

Another clock on the wall, an analog, ticks. The ticking is hypnotizing. So hypnotizing that after a few minutes, I drift off into a deep sleep.

{And every little cloud,  
And every single star,}

I wake up to feel someone next to me. I open my eyes slightly to see the time on the LEGO clock. The numbers read only 4:56 AM, which is very weird, especially for me; I never wake up this early. And especially not because somebody is sleeping next to me. Whoever it is is very warm, soft, and big--

\--And my heart suddenly stops, because there's only one person that I know who is this gentle and feels this perfect, like a puzzle piece, against me.

And my mind is screaming, telling me to turn around and kiss him and tell him I love him. I cautiously turn around to see if he's really there.

And he really is, if only for a moment. And he kisses me again, pulling me closer, running his fingers through my hair.

"Den..."

He presses a finger to my lips and looks into my eyes with his bright, sky blue ones, a beautifully genuine smile on his face. Not obnoxious, but sincere and gentle and loving. I smile back and kiss him once again.

{Reminds me of just how much I miss you.}

Later, I wake up alone, the clock still ticking on the wall. The clock numbers read 1:34 AM rather than 4:56. The bed next to me is cold.

The mind is a rather cruel thing.

Once again, I cry myself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, the first chapter uses human names and the second chapter does not. It's because of the shifts in point of view from Matthias to Lukas. Obviously they would not sound the same. Lukas only uses the human names when around actual humans.


End file.
